Rock Bottom - Lilley R. K. - Страница 40

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I had to think that one over for a while before I gave up.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  There was just us and our mother, no other family, and none of us were actresses.  “What do you mean?”

She cleared her throat, then looked down at her hands.  When she spoke, her voice was barely loud enough for me to catch.  “Our father is an actor.”

The silence wasn’t awkward this time, but it was long.  I sat there, stunned, and tried to understand what she’d just said.

“You know our father?” I finally asked her.  It was a mystery that had disturbed me for most of my life.  Only in the last few years had I finally made peace with the idea that I would never know who he was.  My mother had been stubbornly close-mouthed on the subject.

She ducked her head, flushing.  “I do, yes.”

I swallowed.  I didn’t know what I was feeling, couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was manifesting itself as a knot in my throat, and a burning in my chest.  Why on earth would anything to do with this man, this person who had never been in our lives, had literally abandoned us from the start, bring up some strange emotion inside of me?  Emotion that made the smallest news, the tiniest inkling that I might have some answers about him knock the breath out of me.  I was angry with myself for feeling wounded that my sister somehow knew him, and I did not, but there it was.

Finally, “How do you know him?  When did this start?”

She never looked up.  “When I left that trailer with that sick old man, I found Mom.  She was in bad shape, as she usually is, but I asked her if I could move back in with her.  I didn’t know where else to go.  She said no, but she finally told me who our father was, and she gave me his number.  So I went to L.A., and met him.”

Her lip curled into an expression of distaste, but her eyes stayed down.  “He was nothing like I’d hoped for.  He’s known about us the whole time.  He was giving Mom money, but he wanted nothing to do with us.  He met with me, and gave me some money, enough to live on for years, but he made it clear he didn’t want to see me again.”

I was overwhelmed.

I just stared at her, trying to figure out where I should start with the questions.

She began to speak again, “He has a family, has four legitimate kids.  The oldest is four years older than you, and the youngest is three years younger than me.  He’s been a busy guy, but he’s still married.  God only knows how many other children he has hidden away.  I don’t imagine we’re his only dirty little secret.”

“He’s very famous, and he’s loaded, like mega-loaded.”  She looked up, saw my expression, and continued, “He paid my way for a while, when I was underage and had no resources.  I guess I’m thankful, in a way, but it does little to soften my resentment.  I stopped taking his money as soon as I was able to get on my feet.  He won’t even have a phone conversation with me.  He has his assistant talk to me.  There are no real ties there, and so it didn’t feel right to keep taking his money.  Now all I want is to become more famous than him, more famous than his family, so I can show him what he threw away.”  Her voice was passionate by the end, and I felt for her.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, to be grossly neglected by one parent, and completely rejected by the other.

It took me a while, but I finally asked the question that I had to ask.  “Who is he?”

“Bronson Giles.”

I’d heard of him.  He was a dramatic actor, and critically acclaimed.  He was large-boned and handsome, with blond hair and striking pale gray eyes.  I recalled that he’d won an Oscar a few years back, and that I’d seen him in several movies, and thought he was good.

“Is that his real name?” I asked her.

She shook her head.  “It’s his stage name, but he’s not listed on our birth certificates, and Mom tells me that he never told her his real name.”

I didn’t know what to think, what to feel.  Should I be proud that my biological father was famous?  I wasn’t.  I had no kinship with the man, but finally I had a face, and a basic backstory.  Now I wanted to pretend I’d never heard of the man.  There was nothing else for me to do.

“I’ll give you his number, if you want it, but I doubt you’ll get any closure on meeting him.  Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask him for more money soon, which I’m not looking forward to.  It’s just…I don’t know what else to do.”

“Why?” I asked, troubled by her tone.  She sounded so forlorn.

Her face crumpled, and she buried it in her hands.  Her shoulders shook with silent sobs.

I wanted to go to her, to walk around the table and embrace her, but I didn’t know that I should.  I still didn’t think she’d want me to touch her.

She stopped quickly, straightening.  Her face was wet, but her expression was composed again.  She took a very deep breath before she spoke.  “I’m pregnant, and I don’t know what to do.”  She buried her face in her hands again.

I sat frozen, not knowing what to do, or what to say.  I didn’t know anything about her.  She seemed too young to have a baby, but she could have been married, for all I knew.

Finally, when she composed herself again, I asked carefully, “Who is the father?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”  She paused, looking devastated.  “I don’t know.”

I didn’t point out that those were two drastically different things.

“Well, if there is anything I can do to help, anything at all, please tell me.  I’d love to become a part of your life again.  And your baby’s, too.  My heart is always open to you,” I had to blink back unexpected tears, “it always has been.  I’ve missed you every single day since you left.  I’m here for you, however you need me.”

Her face crumpled again, and she looked away.

She reached across the table, not meeting my eyes as she put her hand over mine.  “I’m sorry.  What happened to us, it was horrible, and I know I made it worse for you.  I wish I could take it back.  I’m ashamed at how I treated you.  I was shocked by what I saw, and I just reacted.  I was so broken, so torn apart by all of the things that happened in that fucking trailer, that I ran and just kept running.  That’s my only excuse for the way things went down, but I am sorry for it all.”

I was trembling hard, as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and my body had to move in some way just to feel its new freedom.

“Thank you,” I whispered.  Some things you needed so fundamentally, so desperately, that you couldn’t acknowledge the need until it was met.  I acknowledged it now.

I needed my sister.  And I needed to know that she didn’t hate me.

“That man was a monster, and I’m sorry I left you alone to his mercy.  Forgive me?”

I shook my head, still blinking back tears.  “There’s nothing to forgive.  I’m so happy you got away.  The sooner the better.  And I didn’t stay there for much longer after you’d gone.”

“Good.  I had so many nightmares about that, about leaving you, and you never making it out of there.  But even with the nightmares, I was too terrified to go back.  This is the first time I’ve been to Vegas since I left.”

“The old man is dead.  A heart attack.”  I thought it important to tell her.  The news had brought me so much relief.

She took a deep breath, nodding.  “That is good.  Thank you for telling me.  Let’s never talk about him again.”

“Whatever you want.  Whatever you need.  I’m just happy to have found you again.”

She smiled at me, but it was sad.  “Yes.  It’s so good to see your face again.  I wish it had happened sooner.  What are your plans today?  We should go shopping, if you’re free.”

I was free.  I’d made sure I had the afternoon off for just this purpose, hoping things would work out for the best. They had exceeded my expectations though.  I had never dreamed of acceptance from her, or forgiveness.

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