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“Recompensed?”
“That’s what I heard from the bartender here, James.”
“Mason isn’t getting a nickel, Stu. He’s deluded. Is he drinking again, by chance?”
“I guess so. I saw him in here last night. He had a beer or three.”
“Hunny never knew Mason when Mason was a boy. They met when Mason was over forty. This is all made up. It’s a nuisance suit. That means he hopes Hunny will settle for less than the three hundred seventy-five million dollars Mason is claiming but more than the thousand Hunny offered him so Mason’s car would pass inspection. Any lawyer who takes the case is doing so just to get on television so that when somebody needs a lawyer they might recognize that name in the yellow pages. It has nothing to do with law or justice. It’s just advertising, and I hope you won’t waste your time and money taking part in a cynical publicity stunt that’ll never amount to anything else.”
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A little silence. I could hear voices and dance music in the background. “You are such a bullshitter, Strachey.”
“Not in this case.”
“I just feel like I’ve been treated like I’m a big nothing.”
“No, Hunny wants to be fair. But you’ve been his trick, not his best friend since kindergarten. A sometime-trick can be a nice friendly thing in life. But it involves few ethical obligations —
beyond the use of condoms when appropriate — and no legal obligations at all. The thousand dollars Hunny offered you —
and still intends to pay you — is actually a very generous amount for someone in your position.”
“No, it’s not. You’re forgetting that Hunny brought me out.”
“Stu, you wouldn’t really want to make that claim in court.
It wouldn’t work. Witnesses with other versions of your sexual history might come forward.”
“Is that what you would call a threat?”
“I guess so, yes.”
“Well, you better keep your fire hose handy.”
“Don’t say that, Stu. You don’t know if this call is being recorded.”
“Is it? Well, maybe I don’t care. Maybe I’m going to get what I deserve for a change, a little respect. And maybe if I don’t, there might be a big hot fire someplace, and somebody will get burnt up in it.”
I knew I’d taken the wrong tack with Hood; threats just set him off. I was about to back off that approach and say some things I hoped he would find soothing when I heard a shriek from inside the house. I told Hood I had to go and would be in touch with him again soon and that I knew where to find him.
I rang off and went into the kitchen where Hunny was howling, not with grief but with joy and relief. Art said Nelson had just called, and the old lady’s body found in Nassau was not Hunny’s mom. It was a woman with Alzheimer’s who had apparently wandered off from her vegetable-farm home nearby 150 Richard Stevenson
and suffered a fatal stroke or heart attack after she strolled into the woods.
Hunny decided the way to celebrate this news was with a
“drinky-poo or possibly two,” but Art pointed out that that didn’t make sense since the dead lady’s family might get wind of the celebration on Moth Street and be hurt and offended. Also, Art pointed out, Mrs. Van Horn was still missing.
“Oh, Arthur, girl, you had to go and remind me of that,”
Hunny moaned. “Oh, Mom, poor Mom, where can she be?”
Antoine, Marylou and the twins had all come into the kitchen, and Antoine suggested that they all join hands and pray.
Hunny said, “Antoine, honey, I’ll try anything at this point.”
We all joined hands and bowed our heads, and Hunny said,
“Lord, help get Mom’s wrinkly old butt back to Golden Gardens ASAP, ‘cause this whole dumb lottery thing plus Mom taking off somewhere has just about wrecked my last nerve, and I don’t think I can take much more of this horse doody. In Jesus’ name, amen. Oh, one more thing. Smite the Brienings, okay?”
Then everybody said amen.
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“I heard at the office,” Timmy said, “that all kinds of gay organizations are trying to get Hunny to lower his profile, or at least to quit acting like such an obnoxious drunken screaming queen in public. People are upset over — to cite one bloodcurdling example — the anti-gay-marriage forces in Maine running TV ads with pictures of Hunny and his Marylou Whitney impersonator and asking Maine voters if these are the people they want teaching their schoolchildren.”
“Neither Hunny nor Marylou is a teacher. Hunny is newly retired from BJ’s Warehouse, and Marylou is an independently wealthy Palm Beach and Saratoga socialite. So Maine’s schoolchildren are safe.”
“The gay-marriage referendum up there is expected to be close, and it really doesn’t help the image of gay people to have Hunny falling-down drunk on television and yelling into the cameras about some drag queen’s penis.”
“Yes, Hunny behaved very badly on his Focks News debut.
I was embarrassed and ashamed right along with the rest of gay America. But Hunny was goaded into that response by O’Malley, who’s the real problem here. O’Malley and all the homophobic half-wits who watch him and believe whatever nutty stuff comes out of his mouth. Although, Hunny’s perfectly understandable response to O’Malley was strategically unwise, I will concede.”
“It’s more than just strategy. It’s decency. It’s sobriety. It’s sanity. It’s taste.”
We were in the kitchen fixing a quick dinner before I went back up to Moth Street. Timmy had brought home a barbecued chicken from a place on Lark Street, and I had shucked some fresh corn and was making water boil in a pot, my speciality in the kitchen.
I said, “Taste is overrated.”
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“Yes, but sanity isn’t. Or sobriety.”
I told Timmy about Quentin Shoemaker and the Rdq and their standing up against assimilationism.
“Assimilationism? Some people would call living the way we do, and the way most of our friends do, having a life. A good life, actually. A life where we can get up in the morning and not have to think about getting called names or arrested or where our next orgasm is coming from. We can just think about the good and bad minutiae of being human, as well as the bigger questions of human affairs, and not be saddled with some desperate quest for endless stimulation or having to make everybody you meet feel like they want to run out of the room.”
“That’s a pretty bleak assessment of the way a lot of gay people have lived for a pretty long time. Basically, people like Hunny are just like us and the people we know. They get up every day and go to work, and at the end of the day and on weekends they want a little comfort and diversion. They just do it with more humor and a cruder style than most gay people do. And most straight people.”
“Much of the trouble has to do mainly with style, yes. I grant you that. It’s not my style, though, and it’s not yours. And it’s a style that causes trouble a-plenty for the rest of us when it turns up in anti-gay TV ads in Maine.”
I said, “Should corn be boiled for three minutes or five?”
“Three is plenty. Aunt Moira always said twenty minutes, but her corn was so tough only her hog could eat it.”
“She kept a hog?”
“My cousin Kevin.”
“Shoemaker talks about Hunny and Art as being natural and free and in touch with their inner child. There’s a lot of truth to this, and I enjoy them and even sort of envy them whenever I’m not cringing.”
“I sometimes find that humor and playfulness refreshing, too, but it’s the relentlessness that gets to me after a while. And the CoCkeyed 153
always sexualizing everything. Give it a break, I always want to say.”
“Maybe they are just more honest than the rest of us.”
“Oh, Donald, please. At this late date, are you going to go hippie on me?”
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